Emerging: Mi Cultura..Mi Jornada-My Culture..My Journey

Monday, May 30, 2005

When Love Dies... (Laughter and Sunshine)

In my heart there is a place,
where Laughter and Sunshine
once put up a house.

They worked hard, side by side
to build a home; they named it
Trust and christened it Love.

They had children, soon adding;
Hope, Loyalty, and Faith
to this unruly yet, cherished place.

One day, Sunshine started to fade,
it scared Laughter, who sought
desperately for help.

Communication didn't say much
and Trust was busy weathering
the storm.

At their door, a stranger knocked,
Doubt was his name, he brought
Fear and Anguish to help.

Disenchantment soon moved in,
Pain, Tears, and Lonliness
came along, just to ensure
their job well done.

Sunshine faded away
and Laughter soon died,
Trust wouldn't return
and Love said its good-bye...

To the place where once
Hope, Loyalty, and Faith
reigned supreme.


--A. E. M, March, 1999
This Emergence Ocurred at , 6:24 PM | link | 0 comments |

Sunday, May 29, 2005

Latina's And Depression...

End of 1997
It took me a long time to figure out what was wrong with me. All I knew was that I didn't want to get out of bed anymore. I didn't find pleasure in any of the things I used to love to do. Even seeing my kids didn't make me feel the usual warm, loving things I was used to. Every day I would wake wake up and feel like Vilar must have felt when she said, "Face up, the beginning of another day is unbearable. You feel that nothing is ending and nothing is beginning. Maybe if you close your eyes and get away from the light of day you can put an end to that anguish. I tried to move. Starting with my arms, and then my hips, back, and head. Finally, I managed to move my legs and with great effort, I succeeded in turning onto my side." (I. Vilar, 1998)

Little did I know that coming back to myself would be so difficult. My mind had shut down. It's as if a door had closed, and I no longer had any other doors to open. I had become an atrophied body who couldn't do anything for herself. I could not feed or dress myself. Try as I might, I couldn't pull down the black sheet that had come to cover my eyes; the dark shroud that encircled my heart.

The moment of light finally came when I sat in my bedroom with a piece of glass in my hand. I didn't know why I had it, but I knew what it was for. I meant to end the pain that tore at me day and night. The torment of the shadows that existed in what was the closet of my mind. It was time to put to rest all those demons that I couldn't seem to run far away enough from.

Just as I pulled my arm back to run the glass over my wrist, my son ran into my room. He'd had a bad dream, and came looking for my comfort. I began crying uncontrollably. It was the cry of the wounded. The sound reverberates in my mind even today. The sound was God awful; the despair was profound. My son put his arms around me and told that he needed me, and for me to please come back to him. How could a boy that was barely 9 years old know what to say?? I believe God directed him to me that night, for that night, I was the one needing my children.
This Emergence Ocurred at , 6:44 PM | link | 0 comments |

From the Darkness...

There have been many significant incidents in my life, the most special being the birth of each of my three children. Today, I choose to write about an incident that many don’t normally speak or write about. Some would give it the antiquated term; melancholies, others in today’s society call it depression.

A short five-week look into the life of a Latina and her battle with depression.

Week 1: I have been feeling very tired lately, and pretty dissatisfied with things in general. I can’t seem to find pleasure in the things I love to do. The sewing, cooking, gardening and just plain going out seem like such a chore. I know something is wrong, but what?

Week 2: I talked to my husband about how I’m feeling; he didn’t seem to understand. He seems to think I’m just being lazy. I am losing my appetite, and sleeping is something I’m forgetting how to do. I can’t get out bed. My kid’s look at me with a question in their eyes, I can’t face them so I just hide in my room again. I try to get up and do something around the house, I feel awful that I didn’t have the energy to do it so I hide longer.

Week 3: I tried to explain to my husband again the things I am feeling. I asked if he could help me figure out what is wrong. “You’re just being lazy and you need to get a life!” Those were my husband’s words to me; I guess I am just being lazy! I can’t eat, can’t sleep, yet I stay in bed all day long. I’m beginning to lose my hair! I had huge clumps of it in the shower drain when I washed my hair. I cried and cried! Could it be cancer? Is that why I am not eating or sleeping? Is that why I’ve lost all this weight? I wish we had medical insurance so I cold go see a doctor! Lord, please help me find out what is wrong with me.

Week 4: I just want to die! When I have been able to sleep, and I open my eyes all I think is; “why another day Lord?” Why didn’t you take me while I wasn’t looking? I have become terrified of going out! The kids want me to go out but I can’t. I can’t breath; I feel the world is going to crash in on me. I don’t even seem to take pleasure in having my children anymore. I must be an unfit mother! So my husband repeatedly says to me. My husband has gotten worse in his verbal abuse, of course it makes me angry! After the anger is spent though, I feel worse, maybe I am a mess just as he says I am?

Week 5: The less I do the worse I feel. I feel totally alone in this; I haven’t asked my children for help. How do you ask for help with something that you don’t understand yourself? My husband has completely turned his back on me. Now all he can say is that I am crazy and imagining things; it’s all in my head. I think if I ask him to leave he will realize that what I need from him is his support, unconditional love, and understanding. I need to hear him say that I am okay, that WE will weather this storm as we have countless others; it never happened. He chose to leave.

Things went from bad to worse. My husband leaving me I thought was my undoing. I just wanted to curl up and die. I very nearly did, by my own hand. Keep in mind that by this time my mind had basically become atrophied. I couldn’t feed myself; I couldn’t even walk without assistance. When I say that my children had to dress me as if I were a one-year old is not an exaggeration, it is a fact, one I am not proud of, but one that became a defining moment in my life. Allow me to expand on why this was such a significant incident in my life, and why it was my defining moment.


It seems my children knew far more about what I was going through than even I did. My children took over. The day after their father left, my kids took it upon themselves to make me better. No, not entirely, but you’d be surprised at how much it helped to hear someone giving you positive feedback as opposed to negative. What turned this around for me? Was it having my middle child combing my hair or my oldest child dressing me? Perhaps it was watching my youngest sitting at the foot of my bed and reading to me even if I wasn’t paying attention? No, none of the above, it was the final awakening. It was the realization that the Lord had seen fit to loan me these three wonderful children.

My children brought me out of a world of helplessness and darkness. Once I started to feel better, and was not so afraid to go out anymore, thanks to my children; I decided I was going to find out all I could about what I was going through. I read a small article that related the top five illnesses affecting Latina women. It was not an in-depth review of these illnesses but it was enough to push me to look further. The one illness the article spoke of was Depression, and why Latina women are more prone to suffer from it. I could clearly see myself in that article; it was speaking of me, my life.

Today, I am an on-going survivor of this illness. There are many ways of combating this illness, medication, counseling, and/or a combination of both. Should you see little signs of yourself in this, by no means disregard them. I hope that I can pay forward what my children did for me, and that this serves as someone else’s defining moment in what could very well become a significant incident in their lives.
This Emergence Ocurred at , 6:17 PM | link | 0 comments |

Saturday, May 28, 2005

An Innocent No More...

After I took a bath, I went to my bed and laid down. Many things kept going through my head. I disobeyed Mami, I could hear my mom's voice in my head telling me, "Don't go to anyone's house if a grown-up is not there." Now I knew fully what that cryptic message meant. If I disobeyed Mami, bad things happened.

But the biggest thing that went through my mind, was that if I told, there would be blood shed. I don't know how I knew, I was only 5 years old. But I knew. I was terrified something would happen to my brothers. So I didn't tell, I kept quiet. It was after this that I started to see a man looking at me. It was the beginning of something that I would still not comprehend fully until much later in life.

I became very quiet and sad after that. I learned to keep to myself, there was danger in having friends, and even more so if I went to someone's house. Mami would ask why I didn't want to go to Ivette's house anymore, I told her I didn't like Ivette anymore. Ivette came over many times looking for me, and I would always hear Mami telling her that I wasn't feeling well.

Mami could never get much more out of me than that. I could see her frustration with me. I could see the silent question in her eyes; "Why wasn't I as open and sharing with her as I used to be?" I am sure this caused my mother much anguish. Mami even tried to get me to yell like I used to, but all I would say was "No thanks Mami, I don't feel like it." How could I tell her what happened? I believed I was no good, and I was terrified that if I told her, she wouldn't love me anymore. I was not a good girl anymore.

It seems that after that first time, I was to have such things as this happen many more times. As I got older, I would spend many hours looking at myself in the mirror. My brother's and sister would tease me that I was in-love with myself. In fact, I believed that I had a sign on my forehead that said, "If You're a Child Molester, I'm Your Child!" I kept trying to see if I could see the sign so that I could remove it.

Every time I was molested, I would see that man again, the one I started seeing after it happened the first time. He always dressed in the same clothes; black ski hat, pants and turtleneck. He also had black hair and eyes, and a big mustache. I would look up and I would see him peeking at me from around corners, wherever I happened to be. Just as suddenly, he would dissapear. He remained a part of my life for many years.

The last time I was molested, I was a married woman. That night as I lay in my husbands arms, I waited for that man again, the one I used to see, but he never came. Suddenly, I got this very clear message in my head that said, "You don't need him anymore, you have your husband now." It turned out, I would never get molested again but I started to see that I had a pattern of sadness that I could not shake. I became adept at hiding it, or telling myself that I was just "a little blue" today.
This Emergence Ocurred at , 5:09 PM | link | 0 comments |

Growing up... in a Hurry!

There I was, 5 years old, and bored, bored, bored. It was raining, Ivette came over and asked if I wanted to play with her dolls. "Your mom is not home," I said, and my mom is not here either, I can't. Mami said never to go to somone's house unless there is a big person there. "Why does she say that?" Ivetted asked. "I don't know, my mom never tells me why."

Ivetted starts to whine, and I give in. It's only for a little while, besides, Ivette's brother is big and old, he's almost 21. Little did I know that going to Ivette's house that day would change me forever.
Ivettes younger brother Joey asked if we wanted to play a game, we agreed gladly. We were bored with the dolls anyway. He told us taht we would have to go to his room where Pablo, Ivette's old brother, was waiting to play too. The game was called "Adivina" (Guess). It's a game where we would get blindfolded and we'd have to guess what we were touching, feeling, etc... I was mad because Pablo picked Ivette to go first but he said that he picked her so that I could see how the game was played.

Joey led Ivette to the bed and made her sit down. Pablo started the game by putting a pencil in Ivette's hand and she guessed correctly. Then he put other things in her hand and mouth; a quarter, a rock, she guessed them all. Then it was my turn, I was happy cause I knew that it was going to be easy. As I was taking turns trying to guess what Pablo put in my hand and mouth, Joey told Ivette to go with him, he was going to show her something.

Meanwhile, Pablo said he was going to try something different because I was guessing everything too easy. The next thing I knew, he was putting something in my mouth that made me want to be sick! I knew something was wrong, and I tried to push him away, but he was holding me tight and he said that if I wasn't quiet, he would hurt me.

I was so scared, all I wanted was to go home. I heard Ivette coming back to the room, and Pablo let me go. As soon as Ivetted walked into the room, I jumped up, took off the blindfold, and ran out of the apartment.
In the hall, I stopped to take a breath, I wanted to walk into my house quietly. For some reason, I felt that I wasn't quiet, my brothers or sister would know what happened. I was afraid that they would tell Mami that I had disobeyed her by going to Ivette's house. I opened the door slowly, and looked in the kitchen. I ran straight into the bathroom withoug being notices. I climbed into the tub and turned the hot water on. I don't know why it was so important that I take a bath, I just knew that I had to be clean.
This Emergence Ocurred at , 4:34 PM | link | 0 comments |

Madre, Las Flores de Mayo...

Madre, las flores de Mayo,
ya han bordado los caminos,
y el sol parece en el cielo,
un caracol amarillo.

En el paisaje, la aurora
abre su rubio abanico.
Madre, Madre, hoy es un
dia para estar contigo!

Que ternura tiene el alba!
Que temblor tienen los nidos!
Hoy todo me sabe a infancia,
bajo el ala de tu abrigo!

Cuanto te he echado de menos,
en este dia tan florido!
No te acuerdas Madre, cuando
yo iba a pescar en el rio?

Hoy me llegan tus recuerdos,
como perfumes antiguos,
y mi pensamiento vuela
los pomos de tu carino.

Por el aire, una paloma
te lleva un mensaje mio:
un album de mushos besos
y un abrazo de tu hijo (a).

Madre, las flores de Mayo
ya han bordado los caminos,
y el sol parece en el cielo,
un caracol amarillo.


--Joaquin Lopez Lopez
---Poeta Puertorriqueno.

Mami, yo se que Dios te tiene
en sus brazos. Se tambien
que has de estar trabajando
fuerte... Descansa,
A Dios no le molestaria.

Feliz Dia de Las Madres!

My daughter was born on my
mother's birthday, what a gift!
This Emergence Ocurred at , 2:36 PM | link | 0 comments |

Sunday, May 08, 2005

May, Mother's Day

So Mother's day is coming and I thought it would be easy to just sit here and write about my mother... It has proven to be a hard road to take. For this month of May, I will write about Mami and my beginnings. I may put it in order....or I may not. Try and keep up.
There are so many great things about my mother, yet so many others that were confusing. The experiences of my childhood were many, not all good, not all bad. But the one sustaining force through it all was the knowledge that my mother loved all nine of us. She wasn't perfect, but she loved... She wasn't able to be there all of the time, but she loved... She played the best game she could with the cards she'd been dealt... and still...She Loved, Unconditionally!

Some things will make sense, others may not. But such is life afterall...
This Emergence Ocurred at , 12:28 PM | link | 0 comments |

Sunday, May 01, 2005

Warning...

This is meant to be about my Journey through life. It may sometimes be funny, crazy, sad, lonely, ugly, pretty. It will always be explicit in its totality. I will hold nothing back. If you don't like what you read, please move on to the rest of Your Journey, and make it as good as it can be.
This Emergence Ocurred at , 1:45 PM | link | 0 comments |