Emerging: Mi Cultura..Mi Jornada-My Culture..My Journey

Saturday, May 28, 2005

An Innocent No More...

After I took a bath, I went to my bed and laid down. Many things kept going through my head. I disobeyed Mami, I could hear my mom's voice in my head telling me, "Don't go to anyone's house if a grown-up is not there." Now I knew fully what that cryptic message meant. If I disobeyed Mami, bad things happened.

But the biggest thing that went through my mind, was that if I told, there would be blood shed. I don't know how I knew, I was only 5 years old. But I knew. I was terrified something would happen to my brothers. So I didn't tell, I kept quiet. It was after this that I started to see a man looking at me. It was the beginning of something that I would still not comprehend fully until much later in life.

I became very quiet and sad after that. I learned to keep to myself, there was danger in having friends, and even more so if I went to someone's house. Mami would ask why I didn't want to go to Ivette's house anymore, I told her I didn't like Ivette anymore. Ivette came over many times looking for me, and I would always hear Mami telling her that I wasn't feeling well.

Mami could never get much more out of me than that. I could see her frustration with me. I could see the silent question in her eyes; "Why wasn't I as open and sharing with her as I used to be?" I am sure this caused my mother much anguish. Mami even tried to get me to yell like I used to, but all I would say was "No thanks Mami, I don't feel like it." How could I tell her what happened? I believed I was no good, and I was terrified that if I told her, she wouldn't love me anymore. I was not a good girl anymore.

It seems that after that first time, I was to have such things as this happen many more times. As I got older, I would spend many hours looking at myself in the mirror. My brother's and sister would tease me that I was in-love with myself. In fact, I believed that I had a sign on my forehead that said, "If You're a Child Molester, I'm Your Child!" I kept trying to see if I could see the sign so that I could remove it.

Every time I was molested, I would see that man again, the one I started seeing after it happened the first time. He always dressed in the same clothes; black ski hat, pants and turtleneck. He also had black hair and eyes, and a big mustache. I would look up and I would see him peeking at me from around corners, wherever I happened to be. Just as suddenly, he would dissapear. He remained a part of my life for many years.

The last time I was molested, I was a married woman. That night as I lay in my husbands arms, I waited for that man again, the one I used to see, but he never came. Suddenly, I got this very clear message in my head that said, "You don't need him anymore, you have your husband now." It turned out, I would never get molested again but I started to see that I had a pattern of sadness that I could not shake. I became adept at hiding it, or telling myself that I was just "a little blue" today.
This Emergence Ocurred at , 5:09 PM

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